How can some individuals emerge from seemingly impoverished backgrounds to lead satisfying and successful lives? There seem to be four contributing reasons.
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Underlying a strong emphasis on extrinsic goals is a tenuous hold on the self. The extrinsic goals bring attention to what we have rather than who we are. This creates a facade, a persona created by looking to the external, that lacks a solid grounding.
In the absence of achieving satisfaction of our intrinsic needs, we come to desire the more superficial goals.
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Using data collected from mothers and their children over a fourteen-year period, researchers (Kasser, Ryan et al) found that
- eighteen-year-olds who placed undue weight on extrinsic aspirations such as wealth had had the following when they were young:
- mothers who had been controlling (rather than autonomy supportive), and
- mothers who were cold (rather than nurturing).
True self-esteem denotes a sound, stable sense of self, founded on the belief in your worth as a human being. It goes together with a well-developed true self in which intrinsic motivation has been maintained, extrinsic limits and regulations have been well integrated, and the ability to manage your emotions has been developed. True self-esteem accompanies freedom and responsibility.
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